I am torn between sleep and being awake. Either way I couldn’t escape what’s looming over me.
There are times when I wake up and feel shit for some reason. I feel my chest burn and my head just throbs and all the worries and insecurities all come back to me in one full swoop. My body feels so heavy that I need to summon up all the energy I have just to be able to get up. And actually those episodes are different from the feelings I have when I succumb to a depressed episode and I don’t want to start talking about that because I don’t want to feel like that anymore. It’s like I’m trying to drown myself in sewer water with my hands tied behind my back and I’m being kept from screaming for help because I have a gauze inside my mouth, wet, dirty and heavy because of being soaked from my own pain and smudges of algae that have accumulated to feed on how pathetic I have become.
Sometimes hearing these stuff coming out of my mouth feels as I’m a big fat liar. And maybe I am, I lie when it comes to saying what I actually feel. And the feelings that actually matter to me I bury deep inside me so that no one would find it. And when I bury them, I hide them from myself as well. All the things that have surfaced are those feelings that I think would be okay to tell other people because it’s normal and it wouldn’t be wrong to tell it to them but those deep set feelings I have intricately and surreptitiously hidden even to myself probably have parts of them scattered to my consciousness but I have difficulties in trying to figure them out. I have difficulties in trying to put it together just to have a picture of how I really am. Actually the only thing that had ever felt real to me was depression. It was horrible that I don’t want to feel such a horrifying thing again.
It has been a long time since you’ve left me. Cobwebs have formed in the corners of the room where we used to spend our time together. All alone I reminisce about the times when you would trace by your index finger the small of my back, taking me in for an embrace where you dug your diamond sharp…
Don’t Go Tsukimi.
I’m beginning to think that Kuranosuke’s really deeply in love with Tsukimi but doesn’t realise it himself. Oh well.